Once you join the bike life, it creates one of the many filters through which you observe the world. Before that point, when a bicycle passes next to you, you don’t even notice it. It’s a ghost that you can only feel but never see. 

But once you are part of the crew, your perception changes…forever. Even without trying, the observations just come to you, naturally – like soft rain falling from the sky. 

I am the same way. Today, I will rely on that ability to decode the secret clues that different bicycle handlebars (and their position/orientation) reveal about their owners.

Disclaimer: The text below is not for sensitive souls. If you can’t take a joke, it may lead to serious problems within the space between your ears. Consider yourself warned.

Pista Drop Bars With a Negative Stem On a Fixie

The people with this setup seem to have a surprisingly strong affinity for positioning their bodies in weird geometrical configurations for no measurable benefit other than looking cool in the eyes of those around them a.k.a. the very people who couldn’t care less about you.  

The individuals who fall into this category very often suffer from an inferiority complex and often perform die-hard actions to acquire their daily dose of validation. 

They also take their everyday cycling journey super seriously as if the world will explode if they pass through traffic in a slightly less suicidal manner.  

Some members of those groups get tired of the setup but are too afraid/ashamed to switch and thus silently elevate the stem (if it’s a quill model) and ride mostly on the flats.

Well, bros, I see everything. You can’t hide from me. I have a proposal. How about you get the right handlebars for you? 

Flipped Drop Bars (artistic cycling style) On a Commuter

This setup is a rare gem usually deployed by casual cyclists who have inherited a road bike from their great-grandparents. 

A similar bar position is a clear indication of one thing – the bars are once again too low, but the owner of the bicycle wants a quick remedy and doesn’t exhibit a particular concern with the unwritten bicycle etiquette. 

Well, the invisible rules say that this setup is extremely non-aesthetically pleasing and is allowed only in the world of artistic cycling as it has redeeming qualities when deployed in that context. 

When it’s part of a commuter setup, it induces a strong feeling of disgust within the chakras of any cyclist who’s been dedicated to the art for longer than 6 months. 

Unless you want to receive negative energy when you pass next to a dedicated pedaling expert, I suggest that you invest serious time in finding bars that fit within the aesthetic norms. (Hint: comfort handlebars). 

Abnormally Wide MTB Handlebars

Few things scream “I have a small d****” as loud as a set of purposefully uncut downhill handlebars. The more uncut they are, the more that rule is reinforced. 

There are two kinds of people running this setup. 1) Noobs. 2) Douchebags.

Noobs (under 6 months) receive a free pass. Nobody is born knowledgeable after all. The second group receives a strong warning. I’m sorry, but I have no desire to rub elbows with you. Your stupid MTB bars are not fooling anyone, son. Enjoy getting catching car side mirrors. You’ve earned it. 

Ultra-short Risers On a Fixie (2010s style)

Those are the bars that you choose if you want to say “I want to die fast.” without actually saying it. This trend was the bomb during the 2010s (and around), but it’s regaining popularity where I live (that’s a top-secret location so don’t bother tracking me). 

I have to say that I partially like this setup, from an aesthetic standpoint, but its shortcomings (stupidly stupid control and discomfort caused by your perpetually caved-in chest) are too much even for me – a world-renowned connoisseur of cycling beauty. 

So, bro, do yourself a favor and go one size up. 

Weird Alternative Bars (e.g., mustache handlebars)

That type of handlebars is reserved for the largest group of cycling wannabes known to mankind. Somewhat ironically, the group includes a wide range of dudes ranging from Wall Street millionaires tired of staring at computers and playing with other people’s fates to free-spirited unemployed hippies with a stay-away-from-me breathe. 

I am sorry guys, but those handlebars don’t transform you into distinguished gentlemen or men of mystery. Get something functional and less neurotic. 

BMX Handlebars On an MTB or a Fixie

This combo is not nearly as bad as some of the others, but it’s still pretty bad. It’s a good way to signal to the cycling community that you are a stealthy poser. 

A stealthy poser is someone who wants to acquire street credibility but goes about it more discretely. Regular posers just ATM their way to a carbon bike combined with Tour De France attire and go for a 2-3km “session” only to take a selfie next to the closest 100-year-old tree. 

Stealthy posers are more introvertedly constructed and prefer to get their likes via subtle details. 

In both cases, however, you ain’t fooling me. The others maybe? But me? I’m sorry, son, but my battle scars have given me enough wisdom to decode your tactics. 

Flat Bars Combined with TT Aero Bars

Thankfully, this abomination is rarely seen on the streets but occasionally it appears and instantly converts my “bad day” into a “worse day”. 

Some geniuses who ironically have a bunch of affiliate links to a multitude of aero bars say that it’s functional, and maybe it is in someone’s dreams, but the only function I could find for this combo is as a symbol of the Horse&Donkey Breeding Association. 

Mixing flat bars and aero bars is akin to wearing a coat on the beach. Sure, you can do it, but why? You get the worst of both worlds and lose aesthetic points for nothing.

Until next time

– ru